Sunday, April 26, 2009
4:46 AM
yet another 5am post, funny how most of life's epiphanies come in the wee hours of the morning.
i should stop kidding myself. going around telling others and believing myself that there's no girl up to standard in school, or that i don't like anyone. not that i do, but i figured its about time to quit lying to myself and stop being a coward.
really, grow a pair man. just cause things didn't work out in the past doesn't mean it won't ever work out in the future.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
4:09 AM
it's been very hard to find meaningful, worthwhile things to blog about. i'm really not one to blog about mundane things i did or think about, what food i ate, how hot that girl's dress was, how long i took a dump for etc etc. as such, the entries tend to be haphazard, and empty more often than not. because face it, truly important or meaningful things to blog about do not come about everyday.
today my mom got on my case again for playing wow till 3am. parents are worried i'm not spending enough time studying. that i have no direction. that i may not be putting in as much time into studies as much as i should. and i'd never like to admit it, but hell, maybe they are right. maybe i am putting too much time and effort into a game. maybe because its so much easier to achieve things in there. or maybe cause everything is so much more engaging, so much more alive than real life can be.
but that isn't the key issue. the key issue is what that argument led to. it led to the same age old arguments. barbs thrown back and forth. "you don't help out around the house at all" "why should i" "you can't survive if we're away for long" "i'll learn the skills when i have to" "you're too lazy and self absorbed" "you're too condescending and prone to finger-pointing". been there, done that, heard it all before.
what was interesting was how our shouting match woke my dad. and how it proceeded to an admittance that maybe this family is just coexisting. and by gosh, i think he got it right. it's always just a matter of tolerating the small irritating things each of us does. like double boiled soup. simmering. under the surface. until it overboils. then all the old things in the past, all the old accusations will start flying. and after the storm passes, there's no follow up. no action taken. we just shout each other hoarse. pretend there is some conclusion. and go back to square one. rinse and repeat the cycle. there is something very fucking wrong here.
i personally realised upon reflection tonight, that i can't even bring myself to say "i love you" to my family. i hold no sorts of attachments whatsoever. if anyone of them left this world, i'd lament the lack of what they used to provide more than the absence of the person. i think that is the scary part. i can't remember the last time we hugged. i can't remember when i felt happy to see them. it's just the fake sort of "hey, you're home *smile*". have we degenerated to such a jaded state?
maybe it's cause we were never a normal family in normal circumstances. maybe because i'm trying to so damn hard to pretend, to make believe, that i am living a normal life with a normal history. that i am trying to distance myself from the people who insist on and say they are fighting an abnormal life. i hate the fact that we can't go on spontaneous or long holidays because my mom can't sit in planes long. i hate the fact for the very same reason we can't go out to the movies as a family. we never go out to do anything in the past, except to run errands together or eat meals together, which now i never do with them anyways. i used to try to manage a dinner at least once a week with the family, but nowadays i don't even bother much. its either dinner with friends, or dinner alone.
all of these may sound scary enough. but what's scaring me more, now, at 5am in the morning after a "family discussion", is the fact that. i can't bring myself to care still.
have i really lost that side of my humanity?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
4:56 PM
Men with high testosterone and low socioeconomic status have been linked to anti-social behavior in delinquent populations. The lack of an avenue to demonstrate dominance may explain the anti-social behavior that people with high level of testosterones but low socioeconomic factors display. (Dabbs and Morris, 1990) While men with high socioeconomic status and high testosterone may have been able to put their aggressive drive to good use such as climbing corporate ladders, their less well-off compatriots have thus resorted to less socially approved outlets such as crime or violence. However, it appears that there may now be an alternative outlet for such men with blocked pathways to success due to low socioeconomic factors to attempt to lead and dominate in a more socially acceptable fashion.
MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games) provide whole alternative persistent worlds for online gamers to partake in, complete with an online community, economy, as well as shared challenges for gamers to achieve, be it leveling up their characters or banding together to slay monsters. Such worlds have the opportunity for players to demonstrate leadership, aggression or dominance.
Following the rise of the Internet, MMORPGs are another venue where people get the chance to exhibit characteristics that they may not be able to show in real life. However, there has been very little research available that has explored the derived experiences of the users of MMORPGs. (Yee, 2006) MMORPGs, being set in the online world, provide a different platform for people to interact in the same ways they would in the real world. This different platform provides anonymity and convenience. As such, gamers have more opportunity to express themselves because of fewer inhibitions. (Turkle, 1995) This has led to some research in this area, showing that a phenomenon of disinhibition occurs when people feel less restrained. (Suler, 2004) Anonymity also brings with it another advantage. Since most prejudices and expectations come from knowing someone’s background, this gives gamers the advantage to be relatively unknown and unprejudiced against in one’s individual or group-level interactions. (Bargh, Mckenna & Fitzsimons, 2002) Being blocked from success does not always come from the lack of qualifications or socioeconomic situations alone; very often prejudices reinforce such damaging circumstances and prevent them from climbing up the socioeconomic ladder. (McDill, 1961) Thus the anonymity of the internet and MMORPGs allow such men a viable alternative outlet to attempt to lead or dominate.
With a more tolerant and equal world in MMORPGs, men with high testosterone and lower socioeconomic status may no longer be blocked should they feel the need to achieve or lead in their alternate worlds. Research has so far pin-pointed the relationship between testosterone, socioeconomic status and blocked pathways to success. Research has also shown how MMORPGs have entire alternate persistent worlds with online avatars and personalities as diverse as any the real world has to offer that people can enter, offering equal opportunity and standing to all. However, researchers have not yet investigated the possibility of a connection between these two variables. Thus, when considering the possibility of a connection, we hypothesized that MMORPGs may be a way for these people to satisfy their desire to lead. We propose that some leaders in MMORPGs may have suppressed leadership potential in the real world, where they might not be given the chance to lead as much as they would like to.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
3:45 PM
hello. sort of like the return of the prodigal son eh? i know some people have long called for an update.
up⋅date
/v. ʌpˈdeɪt, ˈʌpˌdeɪt; n. ˈʌpˌdeɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [v. uhp-deyt, uhp-deyt; n. uhp-deyt
verb, -dat⋅ed, -dat⋅ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to bring (a book, figures, or the like) up to date, as by adding
new information or making corrections: to update a science textbook.
to be brutally honest? there's nothing new to really talk about. i highly doubt if people consider the new mundane things in my life interesting, when i myself don't spare much thought about them. new semester, new people, new skills in pool (lol i hope).. etc etc. boring stuff. i've always disdained reading blogs of others who blog about where they went, what they ate, who they ate with and whatever. c'mon man, who wants to read about what you ate for fuck's sake.
my analytical skills prof, with his academic background in philosophy posted an interesting question. why do you do certain past times that are half work and half play? example. why do you play soccer as a past time when you have to sweat and put in effort to score and win? when it is not professional soccer and winning doesn't really mean anything. his argument was that if you were going to enjoy something, then do it 100% and if you're going to achieve something, do the same.
so why do people blog? like a sense of achievement, woah i wrote something the whole world can see. for me to have an outlet to enjoy writing about whatever i did today from the time i woke up to what i ate to when i took a crap. imo, blog about something deeper please.
~~~
university has got to be the most hypocritical place there is. classmates can smile at each other, and sooner gossip about the other behind backs turned at best, give shitty peer evaluations at worst. there is no greater concentration of hi-bye friends in one place, and forced camaraderie. its rare to find friends who watch your back that you can keep close to you, or share the similar interests / attitudes.
i wonder, is it due to the way classes are arranged here? the way there's no one permanent set of people you see everyday, which, rather, change with each module you take.
its the one place you can put on the mp3 and walk in a crowd of students going for lessons post lunch break, surrounded on every side but utterly cut off. and before people comment that the very act of putting on earphones is antisocial, it's probably worse if one didn't. i personally cannot stand looking around awkwardly trying to spot a familiar face, and force a hi-bye, just because i don't have anything to preoccupy my mind with.
what's worse is the myriad of projects and presentations due for every single module. the group members come and go so quickly it's a blur. it's almost like working life now, you get into a committee to do something, you meet just for work, and you F-O afterward.
guess i don't wanna grow up from the secondary and jc days lol. terribad system in university.
~~~
there's something terribly alluring about MMOs. it's very very very unhealthy. i'd say i personally have a problem with it. i guess the words "addiction" would probably come to mind, coupled with "quick fixes" for social problems and "withdrawal". since i first picked it up, i've only had probably half a year which i didn't touch any MMOs after i sold my first wow account. went to try out warhammer, pseudo quit, went back to wow. when one realises one can cancel outings / push back work schedules cause of a game you know there's a problem right there. problem is, i know why it's easier to achieve things in the online world, where one may be a leader, an accomplished player, and also its easier to work around the crappiness and boring real world. i know, because i'm a) doing it b) doing a Research Methods module in which i have to design my own social experiment, and i am doing one about online gaming and leadership. what's scary is its so hard to walk away from the genre permanently. the mental imagery of addicts in alleys OD-ing seems to keep recurring and as much as i'll like to deny it, this IS a problem i have. not quite sure how to go about solving it.
~~~
it's also semi alarming how i no longer seem to bother to date anymore. just feels so "meh". between the workload (which is insane in smu), and unconducive environments to get to know people, and MMOs at home, i'd say a lack of interest is the culprit. i wonder how many people out there feel the same. which brings me to my Creative Thinking module in which we had to make a video on The Other Side of Singapore. And guess what we picked as a theme to focus on? Loneliness amidst Solidarity lol. Eh and i wasn't the one who suggested it k. Have some interesting shots, will post the completed video once its done which should be in a couple weeks time.
~~~
ok.
Updated.~~~
i recommend giving a listen to the following tracks:
skyway avenue - we the kings
fall - something corporate
the great escape - we are scientists
fabled angst machine - electrico
all for you - our lady peace
none of that trash or gibberish that shaun/caleb refers to.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
11:36 AM
wtf. 812 SIR.
Friday, August 15, 2008
11:27 PM
I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
"23" -
jimmy
eat
world.
freaking haunting song. damn nice, all should go and take a listen.
ftb is finally over. wasnt as bad as i thought it'll be, but it wasnt exactly damn great either. think i preferd soc sci camp/starring. in that order. school next week. gonna have not much of a life already, sigh.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
10:47 PM
do you get the feeling that sometimes it's all a great big pretend, and that it's so damn tiring to keep up the charade. ppl expect you to be something, to act in someway; but sometimes you just wanna throw the finger and do whatever you want and to heck with the consequences?
so damned restlessly sian. and for what reason, i know not what. its like a mental itch you cannot reach/scratch.
ARGH WTF (#*%&^)@*%^)@*&%^)@.