shiny toy guns

2009-04-26T04:46:00.002+08:00

yet another 5am post, funny how most of life's epiphanies come in the wee hours of the morning.

i should stop kidding myself. going around telling others and believing myself that there's no girl up to standard in school, or that i don't like anyone. not that i do, but i figured its about time to quit lying to myself and stop being a coward.

really, grow a pair man. just cause things didn't work out in the past doesn't mean it won't ever work out in the future.

2009-04-08T04:09:00.002+08:00

it's been very hard to find meaningful, worthwhile things to blog about. i'm really not one to blog about mundane things i did or think about, what food i ate, how hot that girl's dress was, how long i took a dump for etc etc. as such, the entries tend to be haphazard, and empty more often than not. because face it, truly important or meaningful things to blog about do not come about everyday.

today my mom got on my case again for playing wow till 3am. parents are worried i'm not spending enough time studying. that i have no direction. that i may not be putting in as much time into studies as much as i should. and i'd never like to admit it, but hell, maybe they are right. maybe i am putting too much time and effort into a game. maybe because its so much easier to achieve things in there. or maybe cause everything is so much more engaging, so much more alive than real life can be.

but that isn't the key issue. the key issue is what that argument led to. it led to the same age old arguments. barbs thrown back and forth. "you don't help out around the house at all" "why should i" "you can't survive if we're away for long" "i'll learn the skills when i have to" "you're too lazy and self absorbed" "you're too condescending and prone to finger-pointing". been there, done that, heard it all before.

what was interesting was how our shouting match woke my dad. and how it proceeded to an admittance that maybe this family is just coexisting. and by gosh, i think he got it right. it's always just a matter of tolerating the small irritating things each of us does. like double boiled soup. simmering. under the surface. until it overboils. then all the old things in the past, all the old accusations will start flying. and after the storm passes, there's no follow up. no action taken. we just shout each other hoarse. pretend there is some conclusion. and go back to square one. rinse and repeat the cycle. there is something very fucking wrong here.

i personally realised upon reflection tonight, that i can't even bring myself to say "i love you" to my family. i hold no sorts of attachments whatsoever. if anyone of them left this world, i'd lament the lack of what they used to provide more than the absence of the person. i think that is the scary part. i can't remember the last time we hugged. i can't remember when i felt happy to see them. it's just the fake sort of "hey, you're home *smile*". have we degenerated to such a jaded state?

maybe it's cause we were never a normal family in normal circumstances. maybe because i'm trying to so damn hard to pretend, to make believe, that i am living a normal life with a normal history. that i am trying to distance myself from the people who insist on and say they are fighting an abnormal life. i hate the fact that we can't go on spontaneous or long holidays because my mom can't sit in planes long. i hate the fact for the very same reason we can't go out to the movies as a family. we never go out to do anything in the past, except to run errands together or eat meals together, which now i never do with them anyways. i used to try to manage a dinner at least once a week with the family, but nowadays i don't even bother much. its either dinner with friends, or dinner alone.

all of these may sound scary enough. but what's scaring me more, now, at 5am in the morning after a "family discussion", is the fact that. i can't bring myself to care still.

have i really lost that side of my humanity?

2009-02-24T16:56:00.000+08:00

Men with high testosterone and low socioeconomic status have been linked to anti-social behavior in delinquent populations. The lack of an avenue to demonstrate dominance may explain the anti-social behavior that people with high level of testosterones but low socioeconomic factors display. (Dabbs and Morris, 1990) While men with high socioeconomic status and high testosterone may have been able to put their aggressive drive to good use such as climbing corporate ladders, their less well-off compatriots have thus resorted to less socially approved outlets such as crime or violence. However, it appears that there may now be an alternative outlet for such men with blocked pathways to success due to low socioeconomic factors to attempt to lead and dominate in a more socially acceptable fashion.

MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games) provide whole alternative persistent worlds for online gamers to partake in, complete with an online community, economy, as well as shared challenges for gamers to achieve, be it leveling up their characters or banding together to slay monsters. Such worlds have the opportunity for players to demonstrate leadership, aggression or dominance.

Following the rise of the Internet, MMORPGs are another venue where people get the chance to exhibit characteristics that they may not be able to show in real life. However, there has been very little research available that has explored the derived experiences of the users of MMORPGs. (Yee, 2006) MMORPGs, being set in the online world, provide a different platform for people to interact in the same ways they would in the real world. This different platform provides anonymity and convenience. As such, gamers have more opportunity to express themselves because of fewer inhibitions. (Turkle, 1995) This has led to some research in this area, showing that a phenomenon of disinhibition occurs when people feel less restrained. (Suler, 2004) Anonymity also brings with it another advantage. Since most prejudices and expectations come from knowing someone’s background, this gives gamers the advantage to be relatively unknown and unprejudiced against in one’s individual or group-level interactions. (Bargh, Mckenna & Fitzsimons, 2002) Being blocked from success does not always come from the lack of qualifications or socioeconomic situations alone; very often prejudices reinforce such damaging circumstances and prevent them from climbing up the socioeconomic ladder. (McDill, 1961) Thus the anonymity of the internet and MMORPGs allow such men a viable alternative outlet to attempt to lead or dominate.

With a more tolerant and equal world in MMORPGs, men with high testosterone and lower socioeconomic status may no longer be blocked should they feel the need to achieve or lead in their alternate worlds. Research has so far pin-pointed the relationship between testosterone, socioeconomic status and blocked pathways to success. Research has also shown how MMORPGs have entire alternate persistent worlds with online avatars and personalities as diverse as any the real world has to offer that people can enter, offering equal opportunity and standing to all. However, researchers have not yet investigated the possibility of a connection between these two variables. Thus, when considering the possibility of a connection, we hypothesized that MMORPGs may be a way for these people to satisfy their desire to lead. We propose that some leaders in MMORPGs may have suppressed leadership potential in the real world, where they might not be given the chance to lead as much as they would like to.

2009-02-19T15:45:00.003+08:00

hello. sort of like the return of the prodigal son eh? i know some people have long called for an update.

up⋅date
/v. ʌpˈdeɪt, ˈʌpˌdeɪt; n. ˈʌpˌdeɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [v. uhp-deyt, uhp-deyt; n. uhp-deyt
verb, -dat⋅ed, -dat⋅ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to bring (a book, figures, or the like) up to date, as by adding new information or making corrections: to update a science textbook.

to be brutally honest? there's nothing new to really talk about. i highly doubt if people consider the new mundane things in my life interesting, when i myself don't spare much thought about them. new semester, new people, new skills in pool (lol i hope).. etc etc. boring stuff. i've always disdained reading blogs of others who blog about where they went, what they ate, who they ate with and whatever. c'mon man, who wants to read about what you ate for fuck's sake.

my analytical skills prof, with his academic background in philosophy posted an interesting question. why do you do certain past times that are half work and half play? example. why do you play soccer as a past time when you have to sweat and put in effort to score and win? when it is not professional soccer and winning doesn't really mean anything. his argument was that if you were going to enjoy something, then do it 100% and if you're going to achieve something, do the same.

so why do people blog? like a sense of achievement, woah i wrote something the whole world can see. for me to have an outlet to enjoy writing about whatever i did today from the time i woke up to what i ate to when i took a crap. imo, blog about something deeper please.

~~~

university has got to be the most hypocritical place there is. classmates can smile at each other, and sooner gossip about the other behind backs turned at best, give shitty peer evaluations at worst. there is no greater concentration of hi-bye friends in one place, and forced camaraderie. its rare to find friends who watch your back that you can keep close to you, or share the similar interests / attitudes.

i wonder, is it due to the way classes are arranged here? the way there's no one permanent set of people you see everyday, which, rather, change with each module you take.

its the one place you can put on the mp3 and walk in a crowd of students going for lessons post lunch break, surrounded on every side but utterly cut off. and before people comment that the very act of putting on earphones is antisocial, it's probably worse if one didn't. i personally cannot stand looking around awkwardly trying to spot a familiar face, and force a hi-bye, just because i don't have anything to preoccupy my mind with.

what's worse is the myriad of projects and presentations due for every single module. the group members come and go so quickly it's a blur. it's almost like working life now, you get into a committee to do something, you meet just for work, and you F-O afterward.

guess i don't wanna grow up from the secondary and jc days lol. terribad system in university.

~~~

there's something terribly alluring about MMOs. it's very very very unhealthy. i'd say i personally have a problem with it. i guess the words "addiction" would probably come to mind, coupled with "quick fixes" for social problems and "withdrawal". since i first picked it up, i've only had probably half a year which i didn't touch any MMOs after i sold my first wow account. went to try out warhammer, pseudo quit, went back to wow. when one realises one can cancel outings / push back work schedules cause of a game you know there's a problem right there. problem is, i know why it's easier to achieve things in the online world, where one may be a leader, an accomplished player, and also its easier to work around the crappiness and boring real world. i know, because i'm a) doing it b) doing a Research Methods module in which i have to design my own social experiment, and i am doing one about online gaming and leadership. what's scary is its so hard to walk away from the genre permanently. the mental imagery of addicts in alleys OD-ing seems to keep recurring and as much as i'll like to deny it, this IS a problem i have. not quite sure how to go about solving it.

~~~

it's also semi alarming how i no longer seem to bother to date anymore. just feels so "meh". between the workload (which is insane in smu), and unconducive environments to get to know people, and MMOs at home, i'd say a lack of interest is the culprit. i wonder how many people out there feel the same. which brings me to my Creative Thinking module in which we had to make a video on The Other Side of Singapore. And guess what we picked as a theme to focus on? Loneliness amidst Solidarity lol. Eh and i wasn't the one who suggested it k. Have some interesting shots, will post the completed video once its done which should be in a couple weeks time.

~~~

ok. Updated.

~~~

i recommend giving a listen to the following tracks:

skyway avenue - we the kings
fall - something corporate
the great escape - we are scientists
fabled angst machine - electrico
all for you - our lady peace

none of that trash or gibberish that shaun/caleb refers to.

2008-08-30T11:36:00.001+08:00

wtf. 812 SIR.

2008-08-15T23:27:00.003+08:00

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

"23" - jimmy eat world.

freaking haunting song. damn nice, all should go and take a listen.

ftb is finally over. wasnt as bad as i thought it'll be, but it wasnt exactly damn great either. think i preferd soc sci camp/starring. in that order. school next week. gonna have not much of a life already, sigh.

2008-08-12T22:47:00.002+08:00

do you get the feeling that sometimes it's all a great big pretend, and that it's so damn tiring to keep up the charade. ppl expect you to be something, to act in someway; but sometimes you just wanna throw the finger and do whatever you want and to heck with the consequences?

so damned restlessly sian. and for what reason, i know not what. its like a mental itch you cannot reach/scratch.

ARGH WTF (#*%&^)@*%^)@*&%^)@.

2008-08-12T22:32:00.000+08:00

for the record, quit the comments or questions ok? everything's ok now.

2008-08-07T14:40:00.003+08:00

today i laughed while i heard something ridiculous. how i became at fault for something that YOU did.

ok so it's like this. i go out and leave my computer on, because its defragging. i've switched off my laptop cause i don't need it. i come home and it's shut down, by YOU. you didn't call to check before being so "helpful", because apparently the last few times when you called i said it was supposed to be shut down already, and for you to just complete the process. yes, my computer is screwed up ladies and gents, it can get stuck at the End Program screen when shutting down for 2 hours. anyway, because of that, and because you didn't want to "irritate me by calling my hp to check" you helpfully switched off my pc. when it was running the fucking defragger. now i've no idea whether my computer has finished defragmenting, or if my files are in a half fuck state of being half defragmented. and somehow, miraculousy, you can start yelling at ME saying it's MY fault that i didn't tell you not to touch my computer when YOU were the one who touched it the first place? if i don't need things fixed in my room i don't expect you to be so goddamned helpful. so somehow you've become absolved of ALL blame, and it's my fault my computer is turned off. so fucking great. and then you can proceed to lecture me on my ungratefulness, how i don't help out around the house, how you can just change the locks without telling me and i can stay outside. WELL I SAY FUCKING DO IT. STOP USING THAT THREAT OVER AND OVER. YOU THINK THAT SCARES ME? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN THE RIGHT, AND I'M ALWAYS IN THE WRONG, I'M ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE.

y'know what? go fuck yourself. i swear, as soon as i can stand on my own two feet, i'll be out of your life and as far the fuck away as possible as you like it. there will be nobody to "leech" off you. tired of you yelling in my face.

2008-08-06T15:08:00.002+08:00

i've been assigned 4 mods.

intro to econs. intro to psych. intro to pol sci. business, government and society. sigh i'm contemplating whether to take on additional core modules to clear it faster like a lot of people are doing, or whether to simply just not bid and go with 4 examinable subjects for this term. help.

my new laptop has arrived! damn chio. and my phone's holding up well too, my new samsung i780. pretty nice to use a smart phone. though i've yet to really use it to its max with all the 3rd party programs.

just for laughs.

seems like alot of my friends i've made in SMU so far aren't in the same classes assigned to me. sigh. think it's gonna be pretty solitary, just studying after classes and trying to factor in gym with my smu gym buddies here and there. at least warhammer online can be preordered in singapore! haha, good news for a change.

2008-07-27T23:19:00.006+08:00

hellloooo everybody. sorry for the long wait, but i've just been really goddamned lazy. the stuff has just been piling up, and i think i had better finally at least blog it down before i forget everything.

ok first up, let's see. i joined StarringSMU, its some pre-school CIP thing organized by some seniors to help us clear some of the required 80 hours of CIP before school starts. i have a great group and some great facils, so so far it's been pretty fun. i've met another jurong kaki from that group, andrew. he lives at the extension, so if i need a ride from jurong to school, i've someone to go with now =)

hostel approved my application, but they gave me double rooms instead of single. i really really hate that, cause i won't have the freedom of my room to myself; just like at home at jurong. if i get a neat phreak PRC guy as a room mate i'll just either kill myself, or kill him then myself. so i'm gonna call them on monday, try to get it sorted out whether i can still opt for a single room. if not, since i already found jurong kaki, i might just commute to school everyday then.

i passed my driving test this tuesday with 12 points on my first try! woulda been 4 points if not for that stupid motorcyclist who cut into my lane even after i signalled my intention. 8 points for that sonuva bitch. _|_ eat this faggot i still have my license even after you so inconsiderately cut me. wahahaha. but i realised, parking in real life with NO poles is like, so much different and hard. maybe before i park i have to get out and deploy 4 poles eh? lol.

soci camp was the bomb. made alot of cool and interesting friends there. we have a group member who can sing britney spears/backstreet boys/nsync/sCLUB7/spicegirls songs without missing a single lyric: samuel. we have a mambo queen. guess i'll just let the pictures speak for themselves here and in facebook.

maybe it's childish and maybe it's wrong.

2008-06-29T01:43:00.002+08:00

it's 2 am and i can't get to sleep yet. so i'm just typing away here hopefully, the typing therapy will finally get me sleepy enough to hit the bed. parents are away for a weekend cruise so this is the second night i've had the house to myself. woke up early to go to work, then met shyam for lunch and crashed his place for some good old console gaming relaxation. wasted the afternoon away on ninja gaiden 2 and mass effect. before meeting up with sanjay and louis too to go watch get smart.

sometimes i read a good book, or i watch a good movie and i wonder what happened to my dreams. the ones where i used to want to be a good fantasy novelist, or a screen writer or an actor or a director in hollywood. i remember the days i was in a hurry to get to the states after finishing NS, 2 years that i considered a waste of my time that'll put me back from trying my hand at my dreams. those days seem so far away now. it's like you have to consider reality, the older you get. dreams don't put food and money on the table. but times like this with wistful thinking, you wonder what if you had gone ahead with your dreams, and you also think whether it is too late or not to still do what you want to. a soci degree from smu will probably put food on the table. it's not my passion, but out of all of those jobs that aren't my passion, dealing with the human psyche, HR, or even hospitality interests me the most.

but are you destined to be one of those who look back at 30 plus, 40 and have a mid life crisis, wondering on the what ifs?

hmmm. i wonder what if i'd dropped my place in smu and packed up and left for the states right away. lol.

2008-06-25T12:24:00.002+08:00

wow. talk about busy.

matriculation 7 july - 9 july
sports camp 16 july - 18 july
driving test 22 july
freshmen camp 28 july - 30 july / 31 july - 2 aug / 10 aug - 12 aug / 13 aug - 15 aug
bsocsc briefing 4 aug
smux camp 6 aug - 8 aug
acf arts camp 7 aug - 9 aug
smu convocation 16 aug
cca day 22 aug

and cool, i get to apply for the hostel. however i'll be only given 1k a month for all expenses, and the hostel monthly fees work out to 440 a month. 300 will be subsidized and the remaining 140 will have to be paid by me. so looks like i'm gonna have to work at least 2 night shifts of my current part time job per month to pay that off. on the upside, if i get the accomodation there, no more 1 hour journeys and 4 bucks a day on bus. budget will be tight, so if you guys think i'm super cheap from here on to save money, sorry ah. =|

2008-06-23T01:06:00.002+08:00

nice guys finish last. click it, it's a link.

ain't it true? i think it's sad but true. and to think, it took a pretty long time for me to arrive at that same conclusion. it wasn't enough that i didn't learn my lesson for all 3 years getting depressed over her, but i also ate enough shit from another her. haha guess i'm pretty damn naive eh? it's always been like, i thought if you treated people nicely, there'd be good karma and people would reciprocate. apparently this only works with members of the same sex and platonic friends. because in the dating game, the more bastard you play, the more noogie you get.

i hate it when girls come whining "why's my bf always such a bad boy, why does he turn out so bad?" suck it up emo bitches. i've had just about enough of "why can't he just care more about me? ='( ". the very oxymoronic thing about this is, if he DID play a nice guy and cared more, you would have just left him. because the bad boy's more fun. because he's such an asshole, the small thing of him turning up on time on a date is enough to set your heart aflutter and make you think he loves you to kingdom come. face it, you secretly LOVE the way he treats you like shit.

so lesson learnt. dao more. don't show you bother or care. don't show weakness, cause this is a game of control. i'd rather not play the game, than to ever lose control again.

2008-06-17T13:26:00.002+08:00

HAHAHAHA. deep in the night i'm looking for some fun.

I am yason bourne.

Reporting on weed.

College Saga, FF spoof.

Gunther and his euro dance. LOL.

ooooooh, you touch my tra la la.

2008-06-16T01:10:00.004+08:00

first up, update on the week's activities:

monday: morning - sleep in + lunch. afternoon - work. night - work.
tuesday: morning - gym. afternoon - unplanned. night - pool with ejun.
wednesday: morning - work afternoon - work. night - dinner with clem / present shopping for charmaine?
thursday: morning - gym. afternoon - work. night - work.
friday: morning - work. afternoon - work. night - date / pool?
saturday: morning - unplanned / pool? afternoon - 1.30 to 3.30 smu talk / pool? night - charmaine's birthday party.
sunday: whole day - unplanned / pool

as you can see, pretty much shoot pool often. i'm happy i'm finally seeing results in accuracy, though i'm very far from being good now, i'm not afraid of taking the long shots. stroke / stance is getting there.

met miah and rach for lunch, god i haven't seen that girl in ages. decided to be generous since i've had a generous paycheck, and treat them both to lunch. then when checking out iPod classic, noticed tina and xs. left miah and rach to meet jeremy for pool at 3. supposed to shoot till 7 and meet parents for dinner, while he was supposed to meet his girlfriend. dad ended up sick, so dinner was cancelled. jeremy ended up shooting with me till 9, and didn't meet his girlfriend in the end. had dinner together, took the 502 home. watched college saga for the second time. funny ass lame shit. it's a final fantasy spoof, and a pretty good one at that. go check it out guys; click on the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwLrgxtALWs.

2008-06-14T12:46:00.006+08:00

in terms of activity updates, there's nothing much to say. i just spent the whole of yesterday at champz shooting balls, so nothing interesting there. however i've been thinking about the recent news of army personnel dying during training. first it was the recruit who died at tekong from a 2 km walk. after that an OCT died at brunei? look, brunei i can understand. it has been, still is, and always will be one of the worst hell holes you can get sent to during your 2 year stint of bondage to the country. but tekong? during a fucking walk? get real man.

this can only mean our people are getting weaker and weaker as the generations go by. how the hell can you collapse walking? if he did so in tekong, why didn't he die during the first 18 odd years of his life before the army? i'm sure he had to walk 2km or more at period of time. and i heard the early short BMT route marches no longer incorporate field packs during the march. it's just SBO. like what the hell man. the whole weight comes from the field pack. without it during a route march, it's just a stroll you're taking.

weak fools.

according to the report, the OCT was so happy he was given a second chance at the training cause he wanted to pass out and be a pilot. apparently he failed the selection criteria the first time around. so he probably pushed himself beyond his physical limits. mind over matter is one thing, yes i agree that attitude is necessary especially during the tough training. to test your limits and go beyond it, especially as a commander because if you can't do it, how can you expect your men to. but this sorta stupidity is another whole new matter. does passing the exercise/course to commission and get that job mean so much? to the point where he would be willing to risk his own life to? dead men make no officers. i've seen this sort of attitude everywhere in the army. everyone wants that one bar so much they're willing to do anything for it. they're willing to backstab others, step over people, push themselves past acceptable safe limits because no one wants to fall out during training and show themselves as weak. "hmph if he can do it, i sure as hell can" is probably the thought running through the cadet's mind even if he's running a 40 degree fever.

and whose fault is this? its the very organization if you ask me. if you elevate officers to a pedastal, make them untouchable and pour on all the prestige and power on them, who wouldn't want to be an officer? do you really think 100% of all OCTs go in so that they can "lead men and make a difference" ? bullshit. i'll call you a fucking liar if you said that all of the OCTs are like that. there are some people who go in, if not all, who would want the power a one bar on the shoulder gives. it's the organization's fault they made officers in that image, while no one else gives a damn about specialists and men. ever had men automatically greet a commissioned officer if he passes by, and avert eyes if a spec did instead? if you said you were from mono-intake and was a man in the unit, people look at you like you just said you were a low education manual worker. if you said you were from SISPEC, people go "huh?". but everyone knows about OCS. its the peer pressure and public affirmation combined with the organization's practice of elevating officers to a pedestal that weighs heavily on every wanna-be OCT. if OCTs die during training, its your own fucking fault people. you placed such high expectations on them. did you know when the relatives of the OCT came to identify the body, they hardly recognized him? probably cause of the extent he pushed himself to during the 8 day jungle training, in which you were given limited rations and had to make your own tools to live off the land, slashing vines for water and catching fish.

rank be damned. its just national service, just 2 years of your life. let's not forget officers serve till what, 45? is this really worth your life? if you say it is, i say you deserve whatever misfortune befalls you during training. because you are short sighted about the big picture. i'm sure this post will get some people thinking, maybe even receive flaming from all those officers. say what you want, but i'm sure that deep down, if you really thought about it, there is some element of truth in this. look at the newspapers, how many articles on the recruit who died? and how many articles covering the OCT's death? how come you don't see the defense minister, teo chee hean going to the recruit's funeral too? bah, if you want change, start from the top down.

2008-06-13T01:02:00.007+08:00

eh, last post was inaccurate. i didn't go for my scheduled night work so i shifted it to thursday so i could send shaun off. so yeah, now that he's gone it just feels a lil weird. no more outings shopping, eating, shooting pool. heh. anyways, some pictures we took in changi before he flew off.

take care over there man. show them how to play pool lol.

wow i worked from 8 am to 10pm on thursday. should net me about 240. not bad for a day's 'work'. and i struggled to keep awake then too. =)

2008-06-11T12:37:00.003+08:00

omfg. i didn't clear my email since i matriculated last year, and i lost the password. until yesterday was too lazy to get it reset over, and when i did and logged in, i had about 25 pages of inbox and 789 emails to clear. and about 6 pages, each with 20 emails, of "System Administrator - your inbox is full". damn painful to clear. i'm still clicking now. and the last bit of email that managed to make it through was dated end of january. gg.

sorry shaun i don't think i can make it to send ya off, but it's been a fun 2 years. pool, camp, outfield, wow, and the sharing of same music tastes. take care and all the best in australia, keep in touch yeah.

2008-06-09T01:54:00.002+08:00

it's only a matter of time
opinions I would try and rewrite
if life had background music playing your song
i have got to be honest, i tried to escape you
but the orchestra plays on, and they sang

"oh, things are going to change now for the better
and oh, things are going to change" -anberlin // dismantle repair

you dismantle me indeed. one can only be rebuilt and remade stronger, if first one is broken down. isn't that the crap they feed the OCS wanna bes? if that's the cure, i'd hate to think about the disease.

stroke still not there. i spent the whole day at champz, from 1pm to 11 plus. i need to emulate jeremy's stroke. he has shit idea + no idea what he's doing with spins, but by god his stroke is damn straight and true.

hands like secrets are the hardest things to keep from you. _{i saw a, your, it, lookalike on the bus today. and i cursed my ipod didn't have a louder volume setting. this is pretty tough.}

2008-06-07T02:34:00.000+08:00

there are times when one gets weak. when you let yourself dream, and remember nice things.

and then i read the mail. and it's a slap back to reality. one day, you'll regret you wrote those words. you've done nothing but fueled my will to succeed and show you what you missed out on.

i so regret that it's come to this. but i will do what's necessary. aku soku zan.

2008-06-06T00:44:00.001+08:00

wow, tonight was quite a damn crappy night of pool practice with nigel and shaun. i only did SOME shots right at the very very last rack at 11 plus. before i left. too little too late. nigel corrected my stroke, so i spent the whole god damned night trying to pot balls with that stroke and feathering. which naturally i couldn't cause it was new. i hated this feeling, and many a times felt like simply giving up and snapping my cue. would have, if it didn't cost me nearly 800 bucks. i guess it's human nature, to focus more on the bad stuff than the good.

i hate waiting an entire week for a measly 30 min bleach anime episode, only to have 5 min taken up by opening and closing songs, and another 5 min of recall of what happened last week. and the fact that they're airing fillers at the moment. bring on heuco mundo damnit! i wish i had a mask to put on that makes me imba and badass, even if it's only for 9 seconds. lol.

i dreamt i fought with you. lol, that was so, other wordly and weird. and i found my old private emo blog about cheryl. it's amazing when you read the old stuff, you look back and wonder, was that even you.

2008-06-04T00:17:00.001+08:00

at gughan's suggestion, to set the tone of this entry. "hi. i dont give a shit what you are thinking but these are the facts. shut up and read."

as some of you might know, i've been quite busy with only 4 things. pool, driving, my job and gym.

pool:

i'm getting somewhere, jeremy says i've improved much from when i first picked up a cue. and shaun also says i've improved at a fast pace. i've been playing for 'bout 5 months now. but the sense of skill difference is always there when i look at how shaun and nigel plays. bah i so wanna reach their level, but they took 6 years to get there. i've to work on my stroke and stance for now, and i'm just starting to play around with english to get better position. i feel that my idea for positioning's getting better, and so is my strength control. but argh, not consistent with my stroke, so my accuracy's always an issue. when i'm good, i'm pretty damn good if i may say so myself, but that doesn't come that often or consistently. i've resorted to using shaun's circular stroke, but now he says my wrist is too locked for that. so do i go back to straight feathering? or do i continue and push on? or do a mixture of circular and straight? all these damn questions, i need practice and time to experiment. problem is each option would require a month or two at least before i can decide it is or isn't for my style. this current stage of self discovery is the most frustrating at the moment.

my 770 baby.

driving:

TP's on july 22nd. wish me luck guys, i think i'm an ok driver la. don't think i'll have to retake 6 times. the person who i'm refering to should know himself. LOL.

job:

honestly, 20 an hour to babysit people, turn on and off computers and mainly watch korean dramas, use msn, read books, is pretty damn good stuff. but it can get boring, trust me. can't wait to start school proper.

gym:

i've been hitting the gym at least twice if not 3 times a week now, since feb. i know i've improved, cause i can lift heavier weights now, plus i'm more toned. but in terms of mass, it's freaking slow. no idea why. maybe the diet? not enough cardio? i'm thinking of trying weight gain or protein once uni starts, IF i can settle down a fairly decent regular gym period while i'm in SMU.

so yeah, basically i wake up, go to work/gym, depending on the day, shoot pool at night/drive, then go to sleep. rinse and repeat. pretty boring and repetitive yeah. so if anyone wants to go out and catch up or something, just sms.

2008-05-29T13:03:00.000+08:00

hi, i'm back fools. i've moved, yet again. it seems every time i move address in an attempt to leave the old blog and it's contents behind, literally and metaphorically. haha sooo, shift your addresses people. lately it's been sorta a chore to blog, but if i don't do it, i lose all records of memories and feelings.

i'll start off with just 2 shout outs.

a) if all you emo people think it's a chore to live, you don't know how you're gonna survive, living the lie, etc etc, then maybe you should really rid the world of your existence. sitting down and crying for sympathy works, for about the first ten seconds. beyond that, unless you get off your ass to solve it, you're nothing but a pathetic wreck. so sick of seeing such people around. can't believe i used to be like that too.

b) thank you derek for coming up with the blog name. too lazy and sick to think of one, so you obliged me while at work.

kaes, off to driving now. new chapter, new beginnings.