it's 2 am and i can't get to sleep yet. so i'm just typing away here hopefully, the typing therapy will finally get me sleepy enough to hit the bed. parents are away for a weekend cruise so this is the second night i've had the house to myself. woke up early to go to work, then met shyam for lunch and crashed his place for some good old console gaming relaxation. wasted the afternoon away on ninja gaiden 2 and mass effect. before meeting up with sanjay and louis too to go watch get smart.


sometimes i read a good book, or i watch a good movie and i wonder what happened to my dreams. the ones where i used to want to be a good fantasy novelist, or a screen writer or an actor or a director in hollywood. i remember the days i was in a hurry to get to the states after finishing NS, 2 years that i considered a waste of my time that'll put me back from trying my hand at my dreams. those days seem so far away now. it's like you have to consider reality, the older you get. dreams don't put food and money on the table. but times like this with wistful thinking, you wonder what if you had gone ahead with your dreams, and you also think whether it is too late or not to still do what you want to. a soci degree from smu will probably put food on the table. it's not my passion, but out of all of those jobs that aren't my passion, dealing with the human psyche, HR, or even hospitality interests me the most.

but are you destined to be one of those who look back at 30 plus, 40 and have a mid life crisis, wondering on the what ifs?



hmmm. i wonder what if i'd dropped my place in smu and packed up and left for the states right away. lol.

wow. talk about busy.

matriculation 7 july - 9 july
sports camp 16 july - 18 july
driving test 22 july
freshmen camp 28 july - 30 july / 31 july - 2 aug / 10 aug - 12 aug / 13 aug - 15 aug
bsocsc briefing 4 aug
smux camp 6 aug - 8 aug
acf arts camp 7 aug - 9 aug
smu convocation 16 aug
cca day 22 aug


and cool, i get to apply for the hostel. however i'll be only given 1k a month for all expenses, and the hostel monthly fees work out to 440 a month. 300 will be subsidized and the remaining 140 will have to be paid by me. so looks like i'm gonna have to work at least 2 night shifts of my current part time job per month to pay that off. on the upside, if i get the accomodation there, no more 1 hour journeys and 4 bucks a day on bus. budget will be tight, so if you guys think i'm super cheap from here on to save money, sorry ah. =|

nice guys finish last. click it, it's a link.

ain't it true? i think it's sad but true. and to think, it took a pretty long time for me to arrive at that same conclusion. it wasn't enough that i didn't learn my lesson for all 3 years getting depressed over her, but i also ate enough shit from another her. haha guess i'm pretty damn naive eh? it's always been like, i thought if you treated people nicely, there'd be good karma and people would reciprocate. apparently this only works with members of the same sex and platonic friends. because in the dating game, the more bastard you play, the more noogie you get.


i hate it when girls come whining "why's my bf always such a bad boy, why does he turn out so bad?" suck it up emo bitches. i've had just about enough of "why can't he just care more about me? ='( ". the very oxymoronic thing about this is, if he DID play a nice guy and cared more, you would have just left him. because the bad boy's more fun. because he's such an asshole, the small thing of him turning up on time on a date is enough to set your heart aflutter and make you think he loves you to kingdom come. face it, you secretly LOVE the way he treats you like shit.

so lesson learnt. dao more. don't show you bother or care. don't show weakness, cause this is a game of control. i'd rather not play the game, than to ever lose control again.

HAHAHAHA. deep in the night i'm looking for some fun.

I am yason bourne.

Reporting on weed.

College Saga, FF spoof.

Gunther and his euro dance. LOL.



ooooooh, you touch my tra la la.

first up, update on the week's activities:

monday: morning - sleep in + lunch. afternoon - work. night - work.
tuesday: morning - gym. afternoon - unplanned. night - pool with ejun.
wednesday: morning - work afternoon - work. night - dinner with clem / present shopping for charmaine?
thursday: morning - gym. afternoon - work. night - work.
friday: morning - work. afternoon - work. night - date / pool?
saturday: morning - unplanned / pool? afternoon - 1.30 to 3.30 smu talk / pool? night - charmaine's birthday party.
sunday: whole day - unplanned / pool


as you can see, pretty much shoot pool often. i'm happy i'm finally seeing results in accuracy, though i'm very far from being good now, i'm not afraid of taking the long shots. stroke / stance is getting there.

met miah and rach for lunch, god i haven't seen that girl in ages. decided to be generous since i've had a generous paycheck, and treat them both to lunch. then when checking out iPod classic, noticed tina and xs. left miah and rach to meet jeremy for pool at 3. supposed to shoot till 7 and meet parents for dinner, while he was supposed to meet his girlfriend. dad ended up sick, so dinner was cancelled. jeremy ended up shooting with me till 9, and didn't meet his girlfriend in the end. had dinner together, took the 502 home. watched college saga for the second time. funny ass lame shit. it's a final fantasy spoof, and a pretty good one at that. go check it out guys; click on the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwLrgxtALWs.

in terms of activity updates, there's nothing much to say. i just spent the whole of yesterday at champz shooting balls, so nothing interesting there. however i've been thinking about the recent news of army personnel dying during training. first it was the recruit who died at tekong from a 2 km walk. after that an OCT died at brunei? look, brunei i can understand. it has been, still is, and always will be one of the worst hell holes you can get sent to during your 2 year stint of bondage to the country. but tekong? during a fucking walk? get real man.

this can only mean our people are getting weaker and weaker as the generations go by. how the hell can you collapse walking? if he did so in tekong, why didn't he die during the first 18 odd years of his life before the army? i'm sure he had to walk 2km or more at period of time. and i heard the early short BMT route marches no longer incorporate field packs during the march. it's just SBO. like what the hell man. the whole weight comes from the field pack. without it during a route march, it's just a stroll you're taking.

weak fools.


according to the report, the OCT was so happy he was given a second chance at the training cause he wanted to pass out and be a pilot. apparently he failed the selection criteria the first time around. so he probably pushed himself beyond his physical limits. mind over matter is one thing, yes i agree that attitude is necessary especially during the tough training. to test your limits and go beyond it, especially as a commander because if you can't do it, how can you expect your men to. but this sorta stupidity is another whole new matter. does passing the exercise/course to commission and get that job mean so much? to the point where he would be willing to risk his own life to? dead men make no officers. i've seen this sort of attitude everywhere in the army. everyone wants that one bar so much they're willing to do anything for it. they're willing to backstab others, step over people, push themselves past acceptable safe limits because no one wants to fall out during training and show themselves as weak. "hmph if he can do it, i sure as hell can" is probably the thought running through the cadet's mind even if he's running a 40 degree fever.

and whose fault is this? its the very organization if you ask me. if you elevate officers to a pedastal, make them untouchable and pour on all the prestige and power on them, who wouldn't want to be an officer? do you really think 100% of all OCTs go in so that they can "lead men and make a difference" ? bullshit. i'll call you a fucking liar if you said that all of the OCTs are like that. there are some people who go in, if not all, who would want the power a one bar on the shoulder gives. it's the organization's fault they made officers in that image, while no one else gives a damn about specialists and men. ever had men automatically greet a commissioned officer if he passes by, and avert eyes if a spec did instead? if you said you were from mono-intake and was a man in the unit, people look at you like you just said you were a low education manual worker. if you said you were from SISPEC, people go "huh?". but everyone knows about OCS. its the peer pressure and public affirmation combined with the organization's practice of elevating officers to a pedestal that weighs heavily on every wanna-be OCT. if OCTs die during training, its your own fucking fault people. you placed such high expectations on them. did you know when the relatives of the OCT came to identify the body, they hardly recognized him? probably cause of the extent he pushed himself to during the 8 day jungle training, in which you were given limited rations and had to make your own tools to live off the land, slashing vines for water and catching fish.


rank be damned. its just national service, just 2 years of your life. let's not forget officers serve till what, 45? is this really worth your life? if you say it is, i say you deserve whatever misfortune befalls you during training. because you are short sighted about the big picture. i'm sure this post will get some people thinking, maybe even receive flaming from all those officers. say what you want, but i'm sure that deep down, if you really thought about it, there is some element of truth in this. look at the newspapers, how many articles on the recruit who died? and how many articles covering the OCT's death? how come you don't see the defense minister, teo chee hean going to the recruit's funeral too? bah, if you want change, start from the top down.

eh, last post was inaccurate. i didn't go for my scheduled night work so i shifted it to thursday so i could send shaun off. so yeah, now that he's gone it just feels a lil weird. no more outings shopping, eating, shooting pool. heh. anyways, some pictures we took in changi before he flew off.





































take care over there man. show them how to play pool lol.



wow i worked from 8 am to 10pm on thursday. should net me about 240. not bad for a day's 'work'. and i struggled to keep awake then too. =)

omfg. i didn't clear my email since i matriculated last year, and i lost the password. until yesterday was too lazy to get it reset over, and when i did and logged in, i had about 25 pages of inbox and 789 emails to clear. and about 6 pages, each with 20 emails, of "System Administrator - your inbox is full". damn painful to clear. i'm still clicking now. and the last bit of email that managed to make it through was dated end of january. gg.


sorry shaun i don't think i can make it to send ya off, but it's been a fun 2 years. pool, camp, outfield, wow, and the sharing of same music tastes. take care and all the best in australia, keep in touch yeah.

it's only a matter of time
opinions I would try and rewrite
if life had background music playing your song
i have got to be honest, i tried to escape you
but the orchestra plays on, and they sang

"oh, things are going to change now for the better
and oh, things are going to change" -anberlin // dismantle repair






you dismantle me indeed. one can only be rebuilt and remade stronger, if first one is broken down. isn't that the crap they feed the OCS wanna bes? if that's the cure, i'd hate to think about the disease.


stroke still not there. i spent the whole day at champz, from 1pm to 11 plus. i need to emulate jeremy's stroke. he has shit idea + no idea what he's doing with spins, but by god his stroke is damn straight and true.



hands like secrets are the hardest things to keep from you. _{i saw a, your, it, lookalike on the bus today. and i cursed my ipod didn't have a louder volume setting. this is pretty tough.}

there are times when one gets weak. when you let yourself dream, and remember nice things.


and then i read the mail. and it's a slap back to reality. one day, you'll regret you wrote those words. you've done nothing but fueled my will to succeed and show you what you missed out on.



i so regret that it's come to this. but i will do what's necessary. aku soku zan.

wow, tonight was quite a damn crappy night of pool practice with nigel and shaun. i only did SOME shots right at the very very last rack at 11 plus. before i left. too little too late. nigel corrected my stroke, so i spent the whole god damned night trying to pot balls with that stroke and feathering. which naturally i couldn't cause it was new. i hated this feeling, and many a times felt like simply giving up and snapping my cue. would have, if it didn't cost me nearly 800 bucks. i guess it's human nature, to focus more on the bad stuff than the good.



i hate waiting an entire week for a measly 30 min bleach anime episode, only to have 5 min taken up by opening and closing songs, and another 5 min of recall of what happened last week. and the fact that they're airing fillers at the moment. bring on heuco mundo damnit! i wish i had a mask to put on that makes me imba and badass, even if it's only for 9 seconds. lol.




i dreamt i fought with you. lol, that was so, other wordly and weird. and i found my old private emo blog about cheryl. it's amazing when you read the old stuff, you look back and wonder, was that even you.

at gughan's suggestion, to set the tone of this entry. "hi. i dont give a shit what you are thinking but these are the facts. shut up and read."

as some of you might know, i've been quite busy with only 4 things. pool, driving, my job and gym.


pool:

i'm getting somewhere, jeremy says i've improved much from when i first picked up a cue. and shaun also says i've improved at a fast pace. i've been playing for 'bout 5 months now. but the sense of skill difference is always there when i look at how shaun and nigel plays. bah i so wanna reach their level, but they took 6 years to get there. i've to work on my stroke and stance for now, and i'm just starting to play around with english to get better position. i feel that my idea for positioning's getting better, and so is my strength control. but argh, not consistent with my stroke, so my accuracy's always an issue. when i'm good, i'm pretty damn good if i may say so myself, but that doesn't come that often or consistently. i've resorted to using shaun's circular stroke, but now he says my wrist is too locked for that. so do i go back to straight feathering? or do i continue and push on? or do a mixture of circular and straight? all these damn questions, i need practice and time to experiment. problem is each option would require a month or two at least before i can decide it is or isn't for my style. this current stage of self discovery is the most frustrating at the moment.



my 770 baby.





driving:

TP's on july 22nd. wish me luck guys, i think i'm an ok driver la. don't think i'll have to retake 6 times. the person who i'm refering to should know himself. LOL.


job:

honestly, 20 an hour to babysit people, turn on and off computers and mainly watch korean dramas, use msn, read books, is pretty damn good stuff. but it can get boring, trust me. can't wait to start school proper.


gym:

i've been hitting the gym at least twice if not 3 times a week now, since feb. i know i've improved, cause i can lift heavier weights now, plus i'm more toned. but in terms of mass, it's freaking slow. no idea why. maybe the diet? not enough cardio? i'm thinking of trying weight gain or protein once uni starts, IF i can settle down a fairly decent regular gym period while i'm in SMU.



so yeah, basically i wake up, go to work/gym, depending on the day, shoot pool at night/drive, then go to sleep. rinse and repeat. pretty boring and repetitive yeah. so if anyone wants to go out and catch up or something, just sms.

ivan.
miah.
black derek.
blacker.
saito hajime.
tina.

May 2008

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derek for the stupid url suggestion. =P