Sunday, April 26, 2009
4:46 AM
yet another 5am post, funny how most of life's epiphanies come in the wee hours of the morning.
i should stop kidding myself. going around telling others and believing myself that there's no girl up to standard in school, or that i don't like anyone. not that i do, but i figured its about time to quit lying to myself and stop being a coward.
really, grow a pair man. just cause things didn't work out in the past doesn't mean it won't ever work out in the future.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
4:09 AM
it's been very hard to find meaningful, worthwhile things to blog about. i'm really not one to blog about mundane things i did or think about, what food i ate, how hot that girl's dress was, how long i took a dump for etc etc. as such, the entries tend to be haphazard, and empty more often than not. because face it, truly important or meaningful things to blog about do not come about everyday.
today my mom got on my case again for playing wow till 3am. parents are worried i'm not spending enough time studying. that i have no direction. that i may not be putting in as much time into studies as much as i should. and i'd never like to admit it, but hell, maybe they are right. maybe i am putting too much time and effort into a game. maybe because its so much easier to achieve things in there. or maybe cause everything is so much more engaging, so much more alive than real life can be.
but that isn't the key issue. the key issue is what that argument led to. it led to the same age old arguments. barbs thrown back and forth. "you don't help out around the house at all" "why should i" "you can't survive if we're away for long" "i'll learn the skills when i have to" "you're too lazy and self absorbed" "you're too condescending and prone to finger-pointing". been there, done that, heard it all before.
what was interesting was how our shouting match woke my dad. and how it proceeded to an admittance that maybe this family is just coexisting. and by gosh, i think he got it right. it's always just a matter of tolerating the small irritating things each of us does. like double boiled soup. simmering. under the surface. until it overboils. then all the old things in the past, all the old accusations will start flying. and after the storm passes, there's no follow up. no action taken. we just shout each other hoarse. pretend there is some conclusion. and go back to square one. rinse and repeat the cycle. there is something very fucking wrong here.
i personally realised upon reflection tonight, that i can't even bring myself to say "i love you" to my family. i hold no sorts of attachments whatsoever. if anyone of them left this world, i'd lament the lack of what they used to provide more than the absence of the person. i think that is the scary part. i can't remember the last time we hugged. i can't remember when i felt happy to see them. it's just the fake sort of "hey, you're home *smile*". have we degenerated to such a jaded state?
maybe it's cause we were never a normal family in normal circumstances. maybe because i'm trying to so damn hard to pretend, to make believe, that i am living a normal life with a normal history. that i am trying to distance myself from the people who insist on and say they are fighting an abnormal life. i hate the fact that we can't go on spontaneous or long holidays because my mom can't sit in planes long. i hate the fact for the very same reason we can't go out to the movies as a family. we never go out to do anything in the past, except to run errands together or eat meals together, which now i never do with them anyways. i used to try to manage a dinner at least once a week with the family, but nowadays i don't even bother much. its either dinner with friends, or dinner alone.
all of these may sound scary enough. but what's scaring me more, now, at 5am in the morning after a "family discussion", is the fact that. i can't bring myself to care still.
have i really lost that side of my humanity?